Archive for the ‘Chronicle’ Category
Lyrical Reality
.
sleep begs my eyelids to give up
tugging them down against their wishes
with miles to go
before I am home
pieces of asphalt lie scattered
in the grass that grows up around them
waiting patiently
for someplace to go
trees lean in every direction
victims of unforgiving forces unleashed
with vengeance
despite their innocence
the cats refuse to call a truce
behaving erratically and always on alert
to an impending threat
they themselves created
and the clock rolls on
ticking and clicking
advancing
as if being forced
to march on
no matter how ready
we don’t think
we really are
sunshine peeks up over the horizon
and everything takes notice and responds
absorbing and growing
greater than before
pounding like a heart always beating
inspiration thumps on my sleepy head
like a freight train
with someplace to be
things to do overflow my thoughts
like the snowmelt water that still remains
wreaking havoc
on any sense of order
brush piles patiently await their fate
as if being prominent carried specific intent
an always easy option
to fulfill a burning desire
and the clock rolls on
ticking and clicking
advancing
as if being forced
to march on
no matter how ready
we don’t think
we’ll ever be
.
.
Definitely Re-acclimated
The weather has me on pins and needles, wondering when the next snowstorm is going to hit. I won’t feel safe until we make it two weeks in a row without snowfall. We are off to a good start: made it 6 days now, without new snow.
I had the opportunity to meet my friend Gary for dinner the other night, in Glen Lake, very much Cyndie’s and my old stomping grounds. Gary and I dined outdoors, on the patio. First off, it was just nice to finally be outside, without needing to have on a winter jacket. But, more noteworthy than that, for me, was the no-longer-as-familiar suburban sound scape. A motorcycle started up in the parking lot beside the seating area, the engine being revved with that loud “bap-bap-bap.” Shortly after that, a siren blared as an ambulance drove past.
I have grown accustomed to our new environment in the country, where I hear mostly songbirds, a dog in the distance, the neighbor’s donkey, and an occasional tractor droning in the distance.
In the grand scale of passing time, it hasn’t been that long since we relocated, but it has been long enough for me to become sufficiently re-acclimated.
The experience served to help me recognize how pleased I am with our new environs. As if there was any doubt.
Familiar Mystery
.
senseless
making no sense
unthinkable things
manifest
mangling order
illogical actions
forcing extraordinary reactions
pulling the rug
that was our foundation
of reality and reason
used to compare
with everything
sunshine warmth
breezy tree leaves
moonlight
stars
clouds
earth
waves
.
There are different ways to react to things that disturb a healthy normal. Sometimes all that is left is a new normal. Even when I don’t know how to react, my mind and body are reacting. I am tired, and I don’t want to expend the energy to effect any outcome. I ride the wave for a while.
The world is large, and the world is small. A breath is nothing, a breath is everything.
Being able to reconcile that, makes room for mystery. Hold mystery in the palm of your hands and find a way to accept it for what it is. Is it mysterious? Or, is it familiar?
Some days we are able to wake up and laugh at our burdens, the ones that we carry through our lives. Broken hearts will heal, if we let them. It isn’t always a function of doing something to bring about healing. It can simply be a matter of getting ourselves to allow the healing to happen.
We are all connected, to each other, and to everything, …our healing, and others who are not. There is always a constant force influencing the web of life, with pushes and pulls. So, the healing of one person has impact on all others, just as the wounding of one, pains us all.
I cannot make sense of the senseless. It is a mystery that is familiar to me. The wounds of the people of the world are the source of a pain that I feel. I will ride my wave, conscious to breathe, and allow space for healing to happen.
.
light
dances
on everything
subtle influence
of changing color
like laughter
a song
vibrations
incantations
gripping
intangible strength
a healing balm
soothing
a place
of need
.
Double Diagnosis
I was giving the hand specialist the full history of my thumb pain, and arrived at the part where I went to urgent care.
“The urgent care doctor told me the x-ray didn’t show any arthritis.”
“She was wrong,” he said.
“She said my whole hand falling asleep wasn’t what they see with carpal tunnel syndrome. It would be the thumb and first two fingers.”
“That isn’t right,” he said.
“She thought the joint looked odd, and that it might be a subluxation.”
“It’s not a subluxation.”
That was some visit to the urgent care clinic, wasn’t it? The specialist had full respect for the work the urgent care doctors do, and mentioned that they are a jack-of-all-trades, but master of none.
It seemed to me he already had a diagnosis, before he even listened to my whole story. I asked if he had reviewed my x-ray. He told me that he had, and saw my arthritis immediately. He did a few follow-up tests to confirm, and then told me that I also presented the symptoms of carpal tunnel.
He said that it is not uncommon to see the two afflictions together.
There are a few options available for managing my pain. Of course, there is no cure for arthritis. I am starting with the least invasive of choices: using braces.
It’s funny, just having a positive identification of the cause of the pain provides some relief. As long as I know what it is, and what I can do, or can’t do, my mind is more at ease, and the rest of me relaxes along with it.
Maybe by relaxing, Mozyr became inspired to get a little closer last night. For the first time since we brought him home, he hopped up on the couch by me and then laid down on my leg where I could reach out and scratch his head.
Either that, or he just feels sorry for me.
Helping Hand
It’s hand specialist visit day! Wish me luck for a definitive diagnosis, and hopefully, a plan toward fixing whatever is going wrong in there.
I think my brace has been helping in the last few days. I’ve been wearing it selectively, and when it is not on, trying to do normal activity with that hand, as much as possible. I’m noticing just enough improvement that I worry it won’t present well for diagnosis this morning. I may have found a way to self-treat this recent flare-up, but I still am hoping to learn why the thumb joint has been a chronic nuisance for the two years prior, especially if it is determined not to be the arthritis that I assumed it to be.
When you are feeling kind of punky because you have an “owie” hand that makes it hard to do pretty much everything that you can think of to do, you just might find yourself crashed out on a bed for a sulking nap. Either that, or the napping cat just looked so irresistible that I succumbed to joining him. Cyndie found the visual irresistible, and grabbed my camera.
That’s about as close as we can get to Mozyr, before he takes his leave. There’s no snuggling with that cat, yet.
Pequenita is another story. There’s no not snuggling with her. She walks right up on top of us, steps between our face and anything we happen to be doing, and demands hands, pushing her nose under our fingers, while kneading our chest.
She will probably be as happy as me to have my left hand be freed from pain, and available for full strength use again.
Hurried Tidbits
I’m short of time, and seem to have just bits and pieces of news and thoughts, so I’ll take a shot at just tossing them out for today…
• Worked a 12-hour shift at the day-job yesterday, and thus had a chance to drive home after the daily rush-hour traffic jams. There was noticeably less traffic than I commonly face in the mid-afternoon time slot I usually target. That’s not a bad option.
• Minor, but exciting, progress on fencing yesterday. The area is too wet to work in, except up near the barn, so that is where they confined their efforts. They installed fences that create a channel out of the door, which will lead to gates at the entrance of the two paddocks.
• I got a call while I was at work, from the fence contractor checking if it was okay to put all their equipment in the barn, as more precipitation is predicted for the next few days. Rain and/or snow. There is a possibility for heavy rain. Due to that, and the snow that has yet to melt, our region has been put under a flood watch.
• After a brief period where our two cats seemed to be getting over their unexplained spat with each other, they resumed the hostile animosity a couple of days ago, and have us rather confused. Also, the wee one, female, Pequenita, seems like she doesn’t feel well. She doesn’t always keep her food down, and seems to have less of her usual energy. It may or may not be related to their relationship troubles. A check up with a vet is in the plans.
• My thumb pain continues to debilitate most of my actions. I bought a brace, which has helped to protect from exacerbating the problem, and I am eagerly awaiting an appointment to have a specialist look at it on Thursday morning.
• Thursday’s weather could make the driving to the appointment a little challenging. I’m going to do everything possible to get there. I sure hope the specialist has a similar level of determination.
• In light of the recent terror bombings in Boston, I want to echo something that I read, credited to actor, Patton Oswalt: (paraphrasing) “There are more good people than bad. We outnumber you, and we always will.” For every tragedy that bad people unleash, a much greater number of good people respond, giving care, soothing others, spreading love.
Those are my bits for today. Stay warm and dry, and do something good. Spread some love.
Something’s Wrong
It has been about two years since I first noticed a pain in my left hand that felt like I must have done something while playing floor hockey to injure it. I figured I probably landed on it, in the heat of action, and then didn’t notice the pain until I had stopped playing. Maybe a strain, or a sprain. The kind of thing a little time would heal.
Unfortunately, time never did end the pain. It was a low-level irritation, somewhere in the middle of the bones of my hand, eventually growing so familiar, that it became my new normal. Something about the pain led me to imagine it might be the beginnings of arthritis in my joints. There is family history of arthritis in hands, so I chalked it up to growing older.
Over time, the irritation did show signs of getting worse. It is hard to measure, because I think my familiarity, and tolerance, for the discomfort would keep adjusting along with the increasing increments of pain. I was becoming aware of more things that were difficult to do with my left hand, though.
A few days ago, for some unidentified reason, the pain changed dramatically, becoming highly sensitive to certain pressures or movements. Finally, after two days of increasing debilitation, I sought professional diagnosis. I am hardly able to do anything with that hand without excruciating discomfort.
With no open appointments at my regular clinic, I headed to an urgent care location in hopes they could recognize a problem and refer me to a specialist for care. Nothing was identified in the initial examination, so I was sent for an x-ray.
I must admit, even though I was looking for a reason that I am experiencing chronic discomfort, I was extremely happy to hear that the x-ray did not show any indications of arthritis. However, that left me wanting some other explanation.
There are no broken bones, and no dislocations. The doctor said she didn’t have any x-rays of a healthy hand with which to compare, but something looked wrong to her. I was pleased, because the area she took notice of, aligned exactly with the spot where my pain seems to have localized: the base of my thumb, where the metacarpal meets the trapezium. (Whut? Okay, I looked it up.)
She said it didn’t look like it was seated quite right. She wondered if it might be a joint subluxation. Regardless, there was nothing she could do except provide a referral to an orthopedic hand specialist. It just so happens, my sister knows one that she highly recommends. I have an appointment to see him at his very next opening, …two weeks from now.
The Urgent Care doctor said the radiologist had not reviewed the x-rays yet, and she would call to let me know if he had anything more to offer. Before the end of the day, I received a message that the radiologist “read the x-ray as normal.”
Humph. What does that mean? We’ll see what the orthopedic specialist says. I know that something is wrong.
At Least
It’s not really all that much progress to boast about, but at the very least, the wood has finally been unloaded from the trailer. The major effort put forth yesterday involved moving snow out of the way, in the areas where work will occur in the days ahead.
Today we are anticipating delivery of several truck loads of gravel, which will get distributed and packed in construction of our expanded driveway to the barn. At this point, any progress it thrilling, but this step will significantly define the fence line for the first paddock, which is a really big deal. Already, as I was walking around after I got home from work, I was better able to visualize the area that will soon be fenced. It is energizing.
Actually, just walking around on the land that we now own is pretty energizing. Since we don’t have any horses yet, we haven’t been spending much time down around the barn. As I explored the area where they had cleared away the snow, I experienced a sense of how much this will change with the arrival of horses. This space will become the center of attention.
I discovered that the snow that slides off the “uphill” side of the barn roof, and piles up against the wall, eventually leads to water leaking into the barn there. Next winter, when we will be spending time in the barn every day, I will be managing the snow more regularly, and will take steps to keep it from piling up to this same degree.
We have learned a fair number of things about our new property this winter, but I’m not sure it has been all that helpful toward helping us prepare details for when we get horses. I think the best way to do that will be by actually having horses. I expect we will quickly discover what works and what doesn’t. Then, as with all things, we will simply adjust accordingly.
I’m told that we could see fence posts installed by Thursday or Friday. Yahoo!
Practicing Action
It is no surprise to me that our recent period of stasis is arousing urges, in both Cyndie and me, for renewed action toward the pursuit of our dreams for Wintervale. It seems like we have come a long way from that life we had in the suburbs not so long ago. We have gotten too far to turn back now. Moments like this are opportunities to push on toward fulfilling the potential that our long term dream might hold.
Yesterday, when Cyndie got home from work, we quickly discovered we were having some of the very same feelings. Lately, we have been doing a lot of talking about things we are thinking about doing, but neither of us has taken any action toward actually getting anything to happen. I attribute part of it to the fact that the weather has been putting the fence project on hold for months.
Last night, we finally made a decision, and then purchased a ticket to fly me down to Arizona to participate in her last session of equine assisted leadership training. We also did some fresh research, and came another step closer to getting her car listed for sale.
Today, the fencing contractor is scheduled to get back to work on our project here, and Cyndie is going to be able to come home early to supervise. I am now planning to take Wednesday off to be here for the expansion of the driveway loop in front of the barn.
We are rallying to act on the energy that seems to have hit both of us at the same time, in hopes of maintaining progress in a positive direction. We aim to avoid a trap that is easy to fall into, given a little inattention; one I find is way too easy for me to be comfortable with: living in general acceptance of the situation that surrounds you, however stagnant or messy it becomes.
Cyndie is pondering new ways to put her knowledge about leadership into more effective practice. We are both looking to bolster our methods of collaboration. We are practicing taking action.
Wonderous Mystery
At the moment, I find myself feeling like a leaf, floating in the current of a wandering brook. My plans come and go, and the realities of life play out rather oblivious to my notions. I marvel over all of it.
Why do I receive such immense pleasure from smelling wood smoke?
Why does the smoke smell so good, yet cause me to recoil in agony when it gets in my nose and eyes at the camp fire?
If I am getting sunburned by an afternoon of exposure in March, how careful am I going to need to be when summer finally arrives?
It is interesting how pleasant the sense of calm is after a certain trio of young ones departs from our home at the end of their visit, yet how vacant our place suddenly seems, causing us to miss them as soon as they are gone, even as we delight in the peace and quiet.
We have intended to have work start on the next step of our project toward getting paddock fencing in place so we could finally take steps to bring on horses, yet, week after week, work has been postponed due to weather.
I received a call from our contractor yesterday, informing me of the latest plan to start today. Unfortunately, special circumstance is requiring me to be in the cities for work on the weekday I usually have off. He was okay with that, and decided to move the start back another day to see if warm weather might aid in reducing the amount of snow that still remains to be dealt with.
The workload at the day-job has rather quickly gone from famine, to feast. For some unknown reason, we just experienced the unprecedented situation of receiving an order from a customer on a Sunday, of all things. I have no idea what that implies.
Our internet connection has been extremely unreliable of late. I don’t understand its behavior of appearing to be connected, yet failing to load pages, then also frequently dropping connections as fast as we reset them.
We have been receiving messages from our service provider, alerting us when we approach our plan limit, except for the month-before-last, when we blew past the allowance without receiving a single notice. Which came first? We blew past so fast, there wasn’t time to warn us, or, they didn’t warn us of the fact we were approaching the limit, so we continued to use it, oblivious?
I haven’t been playing my string instruments very often since we moved, and recently set a goal of re-establishing calluses on the tips of my fingers. I am always fascinated by how much muscle memory my fingers demonstrate, even as I struggle to push them past the tenderness of pressing against the thin steel strings.
I wonder why this phase of the process doesn’t cause blisters. I seem to get blisters on the rest of my hand when I put them to work just as hard, raking or shoveling.
I often feel that my written sentences about my wondering something should end with a question mark. Should it? Basically, I am just writing a statement about the fact that I wonder something.
It’s a good thing I am comfortable accepting mysteries that exist in the world.
