Feeling Small
Last night, Cyndie and I finished the 5th episode of the streaming Apple TV+ documentary series “The Me You Can’t See,” about mental health, hosted by Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry. There are so many issues people live with that we cannot know about unless the person chooses to talk about them.
It’s been so many years since I gained control over my depression that I don’t talk about it so much. That documentary makes me think I should discuss my experience more regularly than I do. The folks who participated in the series exposing their struggles to the world showed laudable courage in sharing what is traditionally kept secret.
Three thoughts of my suffering spring to mind instantly when I contemplate the years when I was sliding deeper toward clinical depression.
- Triggered beyond my ability to cope, I stepped outside one of the basement doors of the lake house into a dark winter night wearing no outdoor clothing and laid down, curling into a fetal position in a snow drift, desperately yearning to vanish from existence.
- A Monday morning when I couldn’t muster the resources to get out of bed, finding I wasn’t able to do more than utter a grunt in response to a query from my wife as to whether I was going to get up or not. It was later that morning, alone in the house, that I sat on the end of the bed, called our clinic, and asked to be seen. When the voice on the phone asked for a reason, I choked on the words, and she made the appointment available for as soon as I could get there.
- Some period of time after treatment with Prozac and Psychiatrist visits had occurred, I found myself sitting downstairs by the door to the garage with car keys in my hand. After years of imagining suicide as a way to fantasize my way out of the doom and gloom I was drowning in, this was the first time I took a physical step toward acting on the idea. Luckily, in realizing that, I seemed to scare myself straight.
I was already aware that the onset of treatment didn’t automatically stop depression instantaneously and that sometimes things can continue to get worse before they get better, so I used having car keys in my hand as the turning point from the worst to a blessed incremental improvement toward freedom from the beast.
Early in the talk therapy sessions, I learned that my suicidal fantasies needed to be banned. That was a habit that had been perfected starting when I was very young, and it took a while to break it. Eventually, when visions would pop into my head, they came across as comical to me and carried no weight. It got easier and easier to banish them as quickly as they came. In time, it just stopped happening.
Hoping to free myself from living on Prozac for the rest of my life, I asked my psychiatrist to let me stop taking it. She pushed back and convinced me to stay the course. I agreed to respect her wishes if she agreed to consider it a future possibility. The next time I asked, she agreed to wean me off under close supervision.
Compared to the mental health challenges depicted in the documentary, mine feel small, even though I know it’s illogical to measure one person’s experience against another. We are all seeking a resolution of our burdens in a way that works for us.
One way is to look directly into the eyes of whatever monster is looming and which you’ve been avoiding. It (in my case, depression) doesn’t have the power over you that you think it does. Marshaling the courage to look right at it cuts it down to size and can make it much more manageable to address, especially when you have trained professionals for support along the way.
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Relative Something 
John, your post deeply saddens me, though I can’t say I’m entirely surprised. Many of the most brilliant and high-functioning individuals I’ve known throughout my life have grappled with depression. As someone who spent two decades in public safety, I’ve witnessed the toll it takes on so many, and I deeply empathize with those struggles. Throughout my career, I was often called upon to talk people down from ledges—literally—due to my role as a rescue specialist. Even after retiring, I found myself in a similar situation while on vacation in Maine with my wife, Amelia, when I encountered someone in crisis on a highway overpass. Moments like those stick with you forever.
One quote that has always resonated with me is from Richard Bach: “Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.” This simple yet profound statement reminds me that as long as we are here, there is purpose—there is meaning—even if it feels elusive at times.
Please know you are not alone in this struggle. You have my email, and I encourage you to reach out whenever you need advice, perspective, or just someone who will listen without judgment. Truly interesting people—those with a story worth telling—are rare. Those who can share their experiences through a blog like yours are rarer still. My wife and I genuinely enjoy reading your posts, so please, keep writing, keep sharing, and most importantly, keep going. You are making a difference.
Thomas Slatin 🏳️🌈
December 4, 2024 at 12:58 pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to try again to comment, Thomas. You brought tears of powerful emotion to my eyes. Thank you for touching my heart. Yes! If we are alive, our mission isn’t finished. Great quote.
Thank you, both of you, for your support! Isn’t it a treat that we found each other?!
johnwhays
December 4, 2024 at 1:04 pm
It sure is! Please keep in touch! 🙂
Thomas Slatin 🏳️🌈
December 4, 2024 at 1:10 pm
Thanks for sharing your experience, John! If my mother factored into it in any way, feel free to write about her. I feel like the one positive that resulted from her death was finally pulling her depression out into the open.
Anonymous
December 4, 2024 at 10:17 am
I didn’t mean to post this anonymously. This is your cousin Katy writing!
Anonymous
December 4, 2024 at 10:29 am
Thanks, Katy! Unequivocally, your mom’s choice to end her life jolted me to the seriousness of what, at the time, I was silently toying with in my flailing about. That news was one of the keys that set the wheels in motion to ultimately make that first call for professional help.
Gotta love this software. Even I showed up as anonymous. Hopefully, it’s no secret that I am *this* John W. Hays. 🙄
Anonymous
December 4, 2024 at 12:37 pm
Thank you for sharing such personal experiences with your readers. Sadly these thoughts and experiences are all too common across the world and the more we see and hear about it the more we can normalize getting help. I’m grateful you sought treatment as I’m sure is the rest of the family. xo
Anonymous
December 4, 2024 at 9:58 am
Thank you! Yes, getting help should become so NORMAL! I appreciate your comments.
johnwhays
December 4, 2024 at 12:44 pm
As someone who has dealt mightily with depression and suicidal tendencies ever since my teenage years, I totally relate with this. Prozac made me manic, and other meds did other various poor things to my mental state and health. I’ve had to just allow myself to have “bad” days and the rest of the time I’ve created mental guardrails to prevent me from going too far off the road in either direction. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of energy, but I have a life worth living, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. We all just get this life, no matter what the lying cheats that call themselves preachers of salvation are on about. No matter how crap a hand we get dealt, we just gotta keep playing, as long as we keep getting dealt new cards. 🙂
Amelia Desertsong
December 4, 2024 at 9:46 am
Thanks for adding your voice to the revelations of our experiences with depression, Amelia. I like the idea of “mental guardrails!”
johnwhays
December 4, 2024 at 12:32 pm
I tried submitting a comment (twice). Please check your spam folder. 🙂
Thomas Slatin 🏳️🌈
December 4, 2024 at 12:49 pm
Yikes! I don’t know what is up with the comments. I loosened the controls to allow folks not registered in WordPress to leave responses, but it has just added confusion.
I don’t find any comments that went astray.
Sorry, Thomas, I appreciate your thoughts!
johnwhays
December 4, 2024 at 12:54 pm