Relative Something

*this* John W. Hays' take on things and experiences

Being Me

with 6 comments

It’s been a long time since I just let words flow from my fingertips without any preconceived notion of where I was heading or what would come out next. One reason for that is, it doesn’t tend to produce a result that holds much in the way of value for anyone reading other than me; and even I don’t get much from going back and reading the words that have piled up.

However, I’m feeling like lately my writing has settled into a somewhat humdrum pattern of dreary detail about waking up, driving to work, coming home, seeing our pets, clearing some snow, cleaning up after the horses, and lamenting over the news.

Where is my soul in this chronicle of the day-to-day?

When you write and publish a narrative of a personal everyday, there develops a pattern. The longer it goes, the more likely it can become something of a facade.

I suppose regular users of other social media are already well aware of this phenomenon.

mejwhcrosshatchedIt is likely that I am only writing what I want the world to know about me. Of course, there is probably a portion of who I really am that readers glean from my choice of subjects and words over time, which defines me more precisely than I think I am actually doing. But that is happening somewhere beyond words. It’s out there in our intuitive perceptions.

I guess I inherently accept that level of revelation.

I remember actually pondering over how to traverse the long walk in front of the packed bleachers of my high school gymnasium during basketball games without appearing to be the hypocritical fool I was attempting to be.

I was overly-selfconsciously trying to stroll as if I was not the least bit self-conscious about being an awkward adolescent walking in front of hundreds of classmates, parents, neighbors, friends, enemies, and strangers who shouldn’t care, or even notice me in the first place, yet were likely doing that very thing themselves; actually noticing and judging me whether or not they recognize the pettiness of doing so.

Hypocrisy.

I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. Somewhere along that adolescent time period, I experienced a profound epiphany that inspired me to strive toward being the same person in every moment. Regardless of whom I might find myself with at any given moment, I want to be my most genuine self. It’s not easy to achieve, but it is a noble goal.

I believe I have failed probably as often as I have succeeded over the years, but with that as my goal, the failures have been minor. I still judge others more than I mean to. I still say things behind a person’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face.

But I catch myself doing it most of the time, and that is the key to interrupting the pattern and making a correction toward the goal of integrity I ultimately seek.

One tool in aligning words with noble intentions is the art of saying nothing when you have nothing good to say. Another is to think before you speak (or write).

What I’d like to achieve is a place of enlightenment where I can write without thinking or filtering and have the flowing words reveal my pure soul and the narrative of the day to day, hypocrisy-free.

Wouldn’t than be a nice me to be.

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Written by johnwhays

February 4, 2017 at 9:47 am

6 Responses

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  1. Actually, your stream of consciousness writing, which you often use as your Words on Image posts, comes across to me as … as genuine as you can get, capturing your perception of the moment. Like seeing through a looking glass. Can’t get more transparent than that! And it is very much you, like nobody else. You speak openly, honestly and with integrity in your unique way. (Interesting that you haven’t put your words to music as far as I know. Just a thought:-))

    Ian Rowcliffe

    February 5, 2017 at 11:34 am

    • Thank you, Ian. (There are a small few occasions where both words and music have occurred together…)

      johnwhays

      February 6, 2017 at 11:13 pm

      • Yes, I knew there had been: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0uT-3aleEY What a fine job you and Stephanie did! I really enjoyed reliving this again. And the combination really works.

        Ian Rowcliffe

        February 28, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      • Yes! Wow, that was 6 years ago. Thanks for sharing the link again. I’d forgotten about that gem.
        I really enjoyed reliving it, too. It inspires me to want to remember to revisit the chronicles of precious past events more regularly.
        It also helped to re-ignite a spark of hope for a chance to visit you again one of these days…

        johnwhays

        February 28, 2017 at 5:30 pm

  2. No one is the same person in every moment. I think that illusion is one that drives us insane. I feel that we have to be who we are each different situation. If there is such a thing as personality it certainly changes overtime. We all take on many different roles throughout our lives and even most everyday. Being a parent is different from being a spouse is different than being a friend is different from being an teacher is different from being supervisor and on and on.

    This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have some core values or beliefs but those will be expressed differently depending upon the particular role we are taking in at any given moment.

    So friend, John do not beat yourself up for being a hypocrite. You are a kind and a compassionate human being and that manifests itself in many different ways. Sometimes being kind and compassionate is being a critic of someones behavior sometimes being kind and compassionate is unconditional acceptance.

    What is appropriate at one moment is can be very different from what is appropriate at another moment. Presenting an image of yourself as a adolescent was a means of survival just as keeping quiet when surrounded by a violent angry mob could be a strategy for survival.

    Remember to be forgiving and compassionate to yourself just as you are to others.

    Jim Parker

    February 5, 2017 at 9:47 am

    • Thank you, Jim. What a gift!
      You present a very good point. What I like in this is how it reveals the truth of a natural duality in all things. In addition to not wanting to be hypocritical, I don’t want to become so dogmatic that I would view things in only one way (as in the point in this post about trying to be the same person ALL THE TIME) as opposed to allowing for the ultimate reality that your precious comment presents.
      Being forgiving, compassionate, and cultivating genuine love for self and all others with an eye on optimal health, mind, body, and soul is my ideal.
      The loving and friendly gestures you have demonstrated with your comments for me are a valuable ingredient in my journey.
      Bless you. Thank you, my friend.

      johnwhays

      February 5, 2017 at 10:55 am


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