Relative Something

Wow, am I ever aware of a wave of melancholy that is washing over me presently. Today is the day when the annual bike and camping trip begins, and I ended up needing to withdraw at the last minute. I say it is okay, but my heart is letting me know that “okay” glosses over some deeper feelings that don’t quite jibe with that description.

A horse would let me know that I am not displaying congruence.

I would like to have a tantrum like a two-year-old, but I’m pretty sure that I have developed more constructive ways to respond. I just need to muster the energy to enact that more constructive response. Unfortunately, I am exhausted. I think this role of responsibility, filling in for the owner of the company where I work, is taxing even when things appear to be going smoothly. I haven’t really done anything, but I am feeling more drained every day.

That week with friends, cycling, camping, laughing, and being on vacation outdoors for a week was going to be my shot of healthy energy. Not only have I lost that opportunity, I have stepped into a role that increases my need for what that would have given me. It’s a double whammy, thank you very much.

No wonder I want to stomp and cry and flail about.

I will rally my energies, and choose to find the as-of-yet-unseen surprisingly valuable lesson/growth opportunity/reward that awaits on the other side of this experience. I don’t mean to be a doubter, but I find it difficult to imagine anything that could be better than being with the precious friends who show up at this bike trip every year. I will miss them immensely.

I already do.