Relative Something

What is the deal with static electricity? Either my sensitivity to static shocks has increased with age or the voltages are growing ever more charged. I absolutely dread reaching out and touching grounded surfaces this time of year. I look like a demented seal, the way I flap at the surface in repeating strokes, hoping to drain the charge before really grasping anything.

Inevitably, I get distracted enough by some task to drop my guard, and that is when I have really been getting bit. Lately, some of them have been intense enough to trigger a reflexive yelp. Then I have to try to cover that up as if I was just coughing, …in a really high pitch. And that is a whole ‘nother challenge, since I’m trying to do this with adrenaline injected into my system from the shock, which has my heart thumping at near-capacity and my muscles are all wigged out from the massive involuntary contraction they were just subjected to.

I once experienced a static shock that deserved a yell. It actually drew blood. I was walking down a carpeted hallway and reached for a metal doorknob, and before I even touched it I saw the blue-pink light of the arc flash from the doorknob to my finger. It snapped like the sound bubble wrap makes when it pops, and it felt like I had been poked by a needle. I instinctively grabbed my finger with my other hand, and when I squeezed, it bled just like it does when the nurse pricks your finger. I wonder how many bajillian volts that must have been.

There is a metal bookshelf at work, upon which a file of orders rests. On occasion, I will pay multiple visits to this file, getting up from my cloth upholstered chair to do so. The shocks have been arcing from the top shelf, to hit me in the mid-section, through my shirt! I’m sure this must take years off a life-span. It is funny to me now to recall that when we were kids, we used to skate around the carpet in our socks and then purposefully shock each other just for the thrill. Ah, the foibles of youth.

Most people tend to offer up all sorts of creative solutions, like wearing chains that drag on the floor to constantly keep your body grounded, but I think that is missing a great opportunity. We should be working to harness this energy. Capture it and store it to power our cell phones and cameras and iPods. The trick is to release the power to these devices in much more reasonable doses than the mega-volt arcs leaping out at us from all surfaces during the dry winter months.

Be careful out there.