Posts Tagged ‘positive thinking’
Frustrating Lessons
I’m sorry, but I need to vent some frustration. I’ve taken on the project of building a woodshed, guided by a rudimentary plan I found on the internet, using mostly found materials, my meager collection of construction tools, and my distinct lack of experience with carpentry. One of the draws for me to undertake this effort on my own was the encouragement I read online at the site where I found the building plan, pointing out that a shed like this makes a great first attempt at constructing a building, because there are no codes to meet. Anything goes.
And what’s the worst that could happen if the shed fails? The stack of split firewood might topple over or get wet temporarily. It’s a pretty low-risk construction project.
What I am finding is, it has a high risk of causing me great frustration. Have I mentioned that I tend toward perfectionism on just this kind of task? I gotta admit, that very tendency toward perfectionism is a significant contributor to my lack of experience in doing something like building a shed out of found materials. I know in advance it is doomed from the start. Why would I choose to put myself through the exasperation?
Of course, Cyndie points out that this kind of thinking is my first problem.
I can’t argue that. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to thinking like “the little engine that could.” It is hard to meditate on the “I think I can” mantra, when you already embody the notion that you “can’t.”
I didn’t just dive into this project willy-nilly. I hemmed and hawed over it. I trolled for friends with skills to do it for me. I let the idea of doing it myself stew for weeks, hoping time would either reveal another solution, or I’d magically become skilled by just thinking about it a lot. I thought about the materials the project would require, over and over, trying to determine the likelihood I could come up with everything I would need.
Here comes one of my first frustrations: It is only a simple woodshed. Why does my mind make it seem so complicated?
Eventually, I committed and began gathering materials. That phase took additional weeks for me to accomplish, between familiarizing myself with shopping lumber yards and making a decision on what to use.
Now, as I’ve already written about here, I have the frame up, and as you can see, the rafters in place. (Thanks are due to my friend, architect Mike Wilkus, for teaching me how to mount the rafters to a log beam… cut a “bird’s-mouth” notch in the rafter!) After the exercise of this phase, my perfectionistic traits are irritated like a raw-rubbed blister.
I know that it is in my best interest to consider things like keeping it level and square. I would love to be able to do that. As a novice, I am struggling because the only straight line I have is a piece of tightened string, and my level. The log posts and beams are imperfect. The flat rocks I picked are imperfect. The lumber I have is all warped and twisted. I rarely have been able to reference anything trustworthy.
It hardly matters to the overall structure, but it matters to me, because I notice where it is off. Drives me nuts.
I don’t like hammering nails. They go most of the way in, then stop and bend. They go all the way in, and the head breaks off. They split the wood. They somehow repel my hammer and make me leave dents in the wood, all around the nail. Just when I think I’m getting the hang of it, my hand and arm get fatigued and the nails start bending again, and the wood gets more dents in it.
I prefer screws. My screws also can split the wood. The heads strip. The screwdriver bit strips. The screw goes 90% of the way in and then seizes. Finally, the head breaks off.
Both nails and screws jump out of my hands. They fly out of the wood as I’m starting. I drop the drill-driver from the ladder. I can’t reach from where the ladder is. I don’t have scaffolding, so I am up and down that ladder an uncountable number of times. I move it back and forth, bumping the beams overhead, knocking the rafters out of place.
Can I complain about the bugs? They aren’t unique to a carpentry project, but they have been adding to my frustration in this case.
The woodshed may be a good first structure to build, but I’m thinking I should be building a boat. I found myself cursing like a sailor at the frustrations over the weekend.
Cyndie is sweet to point out, regardless my frustrations, we’ve got the majority of the project accomplished, and I have to admit, I am pleased to be getting the shed I have all along envisioned for this spot. I think it will be perfect, even if it isn’t “perfect.”
Experiential Learning
I admit it, I have never done anything like trying to build a shed on my own. I’ve wanted a wood shed since we arrived last October, but with no experience, it took me all this time to get over the hurdle of just deciding to try.
In a search for what I wanted for a wood shed, I quickly and easily came upon images of styles that appealed to me. One of the sites even had a rudimentary sketch of a plan to build a simple version for low-cost, if you scrounge materials from what is available to you.
I decided to use the old fence posts that we have from the original fencing that we had removed last fall. Other pieces slowly seemed to appear and fill out my list of needs. The key piece I wanted to have was roof material that would be translucent, like corrugated panels I have seen on other roofs of this type of structure. I was finding that to be a difficult thing to scrounge. I didn’t do a lot of aggressive searching, which left me hoping something would just magically appear out of nowhere.
When that didn’t happen, I started to research what was available for purchase from building supply retailers. The first large entity I shopped at didn’t stock anything of the type, but one friendly customer service person spent time searching their records for something that would work. He came up with an option that wasn’t quite right, and would cost 10-times what I was interested in spending.
I find it funny how quickly after that, I fell into a mode of thinking this wouldn’t be the way to go. Then I got around to visiting the next building supply retailer in the region, just in case I was giving up too soon, and to my surprise, there in front of my eyes was the exact product I envisioned, stocked on the sales floor, and at an acceptable price. My hope was restored!
That left one last crucial step. I needed to commit to the location. It was a tough decision, but in the short time since clearing the ground at that spot, I have grown very happy with that choice.
There was nothing left to stop me from getting on with the cutting and hammering. I spent the weekend toiling away, trying to figure out what the essential steps were that need consideration, and then in what order it all needed to take place. I had a dream of being able to start and finish it all in a short span of days. By Sunday night, my accomplishments were: the ground was leveled, footings were located and leveled, and the vertical posts were attached to the horizontal beams, ready to be erected.
It’s not bad progress, for a first-ever attempt, but I had higher hopes. Things take the time they take, and I want to remember to be present and appreciate the variety of interruptions that inevitably pop up, even when they delay the project.
The delays actually provide a chance for earlier lessons to sink in, and time to consult with advisers on how I might choose to proceed with the next learning opportunity.
New Insight
I awoke with a song in my head. It was a Roches song, but I didn’t know which one. I let the short snippet play round and round, over and over, enjoying it thoroughly, but that still left me wanting.
It took only a few tries to locate the right song, “The Scorpion Lament,” from their album, Keep On Doing. Ahhh. It’s like scratching an itch.
While processing all that, something else was revealed to me this morning. It is probably obvious that we would have a list of things demanding attention here on our new property. – I wonder how long I get to refer to this place as ‘new’ to us. I will probably use that term through the first year, since every day is still new to us, because we have not experienced spring or summer here before.
Anyway, regarding that list, …there are a couple of things that seem to me as though Cyndie should take the lead. When I don’t hear of any results on those, I toss out a few hints, occasional reminders and eventually realize I’m simply nagging.
“Yeah, I could do that.” she accommodates me.
With regard to one particular issue, last night I finally asked her if she needed something else to happen first, as if there was some step in a sequence that hadn’t yet occurred. That is a loaded question, in a way, because she is so classically random, …like the way she mows the lawn.
I was becoming confused with her choosing not to act in cases where it seemed to me it would be something that could be quickly knocked off our to-do list, or at least trigger action that can bring subsequent progress. What was holding her up from taking this step? If she was truly random, things should be able to happen at any time.
That’s it! This morning I realized that her not doing things isn’t the result of waiting on a sequence, it is the very manifestation of her randomness. That is why it doesn’t appear to bother her that a particular step gets done by a certain time. Meanwhile, I grow uncomfortable. I want it to happen in sequence, meaning, do this now, and then other things can follow.
It is why I am bugged by the fact that we suddenly find ourselves working on one thing, when I feel like we haven’t yet finished another. I also realized that after we accomplish some of the random tasks, I don’t get the same sense of satisfaction from having done so, as Cyndie does, because I’m still framing it as having been out of sequence.
Eventually, things work out for both of us, one way or another. We are invested in learning from our styles, and in achieving more together than would be possible, each on our own. I know that I have benefited greatly, over and over, as a result of her randomness through the years.
Our success is the reward that comes from the attraction of opposites, which is accomplished by overcoming the difficulties inherent in being so different from one another!
Consolation Prizes
I still sort of want to tantrum, but not quite as much as yesterday. By the time I am writing this, my friends have probably already ridden double-digit miles, on the first leg of a week of cycling. There is some consolation for my not making the trip, in which I will attempt to find solace. I got to sleep in my bed last night. I was able to “sleep in” this morning. I will have a week with my wife that I didn’t expect, and it’s a week that is completely open and unscheduled –except for that pesky work thing that is the whole point of my needing to miss the trip in the first place.
Lately, the previously shy and reserved Mozyr has taken to hanging out with me when I’m not in the bedroom. If you recall, he is virtually banished from the bedroom by his sister, Pequenita. Now Mozyr likes to pace around and through my legs, rubbing as much as possible, when I am in the kitchen or bathroom. He has taken to sitting beside me on the couch when I settle in for a while there. He stands on the edge of the tub when I shower.
In the last few days, he has even jumped up on the counter when I am at the mirror in the bathroom. This is a surprise, because it is so out of character for him, from what we know since we brought him home last fall. In fact, it is very Pequenita-like behavior. But, maybe just to out-do her, he decides to take it one step further. He not only gets up on the counter under the mirror, he settles into the sink, making himself comfortable while keeping me company.
It makes it rather complicated when I’m trying to brush my teeth, but it’s great to have him as my new buddy in the evening bathroom routine.
Now, if I could just get him to make me laugh as much as all my cycling friends do…
Everything Serves
We were out for our half-hour therapeutic exercise walk yesterday afternoon, when a car went past that we didn’t recognize. We could see the driver wave, and then heard a toot of the horn, expressing a friendly hello. It was pretty convincing that this was a neighbor to whom we had probably introduced ourselves in the last couple of months.
It provided a pleasant feeling of belonging. That’s valuable to us, because we still feel a bit unsettled into our life here.
Other than the walk, we weren’t outside for anything more than filling one bird feeder, and the day disappeared into a couple of computing projects we each found ourselves buried under. The reward for each of our efforts was frustratingly lacking. I accept that there will be days like this. We are each doing our best to frame it in a positive mindset, and recognize that even the struggles of the day serve a greater good of informing us. What we choose to do with the information is essential to the success of achieving our ongoing goals.
Here’s to continuing progress of health, happiness, and Wintervale projects, even after a day of not so much!
Routine Search
We are into the second week of our new routine, if you can call this a routine, and I feel like I am chasing my tail in search of a routine. I want to get over the hump of initiating accounts, registering for licenses, figuring out hours that places are open for business, plotting my travel routes and times, getting things ready in a timely manner, and finding the damn course-ground pepper.
We lost our pepper shaker. It was here a couple of days ago. We were using it at meals for several days, then it disappeared. I think it happened when Cyndie rearranged the kitchen cupboards the second time.
She had stowed most items and we were operating in a semi-functional mode. When she was eventually ready to really tackle the kitchen, she needed to pull EVERYTHING out and then begin placing the new accessory shelves she purchased, and putting things back in a new order. Somewhere in that process, the pepper disappeared. It may be easiest to just buy another bottle of pepper.
I still find myself reaching to the left wall for the light switch when I enter our bathroom. The switch is on the right side, past the open door. Harrumph. I was told that 10 days is all it takes for something to become habit. Each day I’m hoping it will be the one I quit flailing away at the left side, in search of a switch, when I enter.
I did notice, on my drive home yesterday, how easy it was for me to make an incredibly dramatic shift in how I frame my long drives in traffic since we moved. I’ve historically felt very strong disdain for traffic jams. I abhorred being caught in stopped traffic. It was very important for me to have a short and convenient commute.
The move we just made was the absolute wrong choice, in terms of my feelings about traffic. However, this move was right in every other way. Now that we have lived here a couple weeks, I can say, it is better than right in every other way. It is a dream come true. It is a thrilling paradise that tugs at, and energizes, every ounce of my being. And just that quick, my feelings about driving a long way to work, and dealing with traffic, have completely transformed.
Granted, it has only been 2-weeks. Feel free to ask me what I think after the weather creates days of poor driving conditions. I am open to the possibility that I will grow weary of the long drive. That is okay. I don’t plan to need to make the long commute forever. During this phase, I have plenty of options available from which to choose, in dealing with traffic issues that arise.
I am just happy to discover the new level of acceptance that has occurred for me. It is the first step in establishing the new routine I long to achieve.
This Moment
Is it apparent that I don’t write as much about living alone? I am definitely noticing how the situation is feeling less significant for me. Part of me thinks that might not be all good. There have already been moments of frustration when a certain someone returns for a visit and my latest routine suddenly gets disrupted. What if I find that living alone becomes more appealing to me than living with my wife?
It that happened, I think Cyndie would gladly find space for me in the barn.
I don’t remember if I mentioned that Cyndie is coming home today for the weekend. It is supposed to be our final push to prepare our home for showing. I hope that goal is accomplished. However, I am detecting moments of feelings of insecurity as we get closer and closer to the reality of having our home of 25+ years sold.
Part of that is a result of not yet having actually seen any properties that inspire me as being potentials to meet the vision of our dream. If we don’t find a suitable place, after we sell this house, the teasing I have done about becoming homeless would turn into reality. My stoic front projects a readiness to deal with the inconveniences, but the little boy inside me feels more apprehension about the realities and the potential for extended duration.
They are just feelings. Feelings can be ameliorated.
I have less success managing my unconscious behaviors. I think I am clenching my jaw more lately. In the past, I have experienced bruising of my teeth from the pressure I exert. It can feel just like a cavity or other tooth problem. The tooth even becomes sensitive to hot and cold. When I am doing that, I’m obviously not relaxed.
I might be taking a calm walk on a beautiful morning, stopping to capture images that strike me, and at the same time, I am firmly clamping my jaw, without knowing it.
The day-job is in the midst of an extended period of amped-up stress, my chores at home exceed the capacity of my time and energy, and life as I have known it for a long time, is slowly being pulled out from under me, a little at a time. I clench my jaw.
I am also cognizant of the loss of my thrice daily endorphin fix from exercising, in the form of play amongst good friends that make me laugh. I am in need of some serious cycling time, both for the exercise and for the conditioning to prepare me for the annual week-long trip in June. The heavy load of the day-job responsibilities and the house renovations are conspiring to preclude access to pedal time.
One solution there, is to get organized enough to bike to work. Maximizes efficiency by providing exercise while getting me to the day-job. I just need to be sure I don’t need vehicular transportation during the day. Currently, that’s not something I am able to be sure about.
One simple solution: Live in the moment. This moment, right now. It’s all good. I smile, jaw relaxed.
Join Me
Now it is November. The world’s populations has reached 7 billion people strong, with probably too many of those people thinking we are all in a handbasket on the expressway to eternal doom and gloom. But a little skepticism about our situation would appear justified.
There is just no denying the importance of perspective, in reference to the outlook most folks have regarding the status of our growing population. Compare how two people would parse the milestone of earth’s population reaching 7 billion, if one were from the most densely populated cities of India or the Philippines, as compared to the least dense regions of remote Mongolia or Australia.
In my situation, I am aware there are more people than ever before, (even though my household is now made up of less people than ever before), most often, as a result of the amount of automobile traffic on my usual routes. However, I still enjoy the space of living that allows me to survive mostly oblivious to the long simmering, and continuously growing threat of over-population of our planet.
To me, the most extreme, yet obvious, way of presenting the reality of population growth is by a graph that depicts the number of people over time. If a person were to measure the precariousness of our situation based on the logic that we have adapted thus far, the graph is a great way to present the lunacy of assuming our brilliant adaptation over the last hundred years will apply to the next hundred.
Just like the exercise of repeatedly doubling a sum: 1 + 1 = 2; 2 + 2 = 4; then 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, etc. – …a line-graph of the results looks relatively flat for the first portion, but eventually takes a dramatic upturn. Nothing can ever be the same as it once was.
At the rate things are changing, making plans for events happening in the present, based on comparison to a same such event just one year ago, is becoming an unreliable reference. I know it frustrates those who pine for things to return to the way they used to be. Of course, that really only applies to those who were privileged enough to be in a dominant group, enjoying the fruits of success at the expense of others. Those who have endured years of discrimination share no similar desire to return to “the good ol’ days.”
I don’t expect this November to be the same as all my Novembers before, but I am growing less pessimistic with time, and I sense plenty of reasons to visualize the handbasket that I am in, as headed for wonderful things, with an added bonus of including more people than ever before. Feel free to climb aboard and join me!
Smile
Don’t be bashful. Form your features into a pleased, kind, or amused expression. Turn up the corners of your mouth. Smile.
If you are not in the grips of clinical depression, the simple act of smiling has the power to alter everything that comes after it.
You are more powerful than you give yourself credit for being.
Go ahead. Wield your smile.
Some Days
Some days, you feel like a rock. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to feel heavy or unbalanced…
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Relative Something 
