Relative Something

I realize that depression isn’t one of the more entertaining topics I could choose to write about, but I do so for two reasons. Sharing stories of my experience is a way to reveal an otherwise undefined aspect of who I am. It can serve to diminish the stigma attached to mental health afflictions and it helps me feel I’m doing something constructive with the insight I’ve gained through my suffering.

It also plays a role in managing my own ongoing stability. I do not currently use prescribed medication to treat my depression. My regimen includes consciously disallowing my mind to entertain depressive trains of thought, being prudent about the food and drink I consume, getting regular exercise, and interacting with people who share my interests in approaching life with a positive attitude. One other very important part of my self-treatment involves the things I do to help other people. It very definitely improves my mental state when I am active in helping others who are interested in working their way out of their own dark place. Sometimes that comes in the form of facilitating support groups, hosting an online forum, or sharing reference materials. Sometimes it is simple one-on-one dialog. Writing to offer open-ended insights in hopes of helping whomever is reading can be seen as one of the looser offshoots of my treatment to myself.

Don’t worry, my writing about this topic today doesn’t have anything to do with how dismal the Twins played last night.

Often times, for me, there is a moment at the break of a depressive episode when I feel a tangible sense of relief. It is like a vise releasing its grip, and not only is there a sense of relief, but it feels like a breath of fresh air. It’s a cold drink of water when you are hot and thirsty.

Is that where the ‘happy-ever-after’ appears? I wish. It is a time when hope returns a bit, and with it, energy enough to begin reclaiming a healthy normal. But it isn’t all-inclusive.

A close friend recently shared an insight with me about the disease of alcoholism that I felt applied just as well to depression. It is labeled as being cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is also patient. No doubt about it. Both afflictions will lay low, mysteriously present, but deviously invisible. They are both tenacious at remaining ready to insidiously become active should preventive efforts ever be allowed to wane. Ever. These diseases are incredibly powerful and patient.

Sometimes, it doesn’t take very long at all. After a day or two of relief passes, I can suddenly find the thoughts pop back into my head, totally out of context and entirely uninvited. Surprise! Many times I find these depressive thought patterns or suicidal images so out of context that they make me laugh. They are like a flashback. They are a delayed reaction, or some sort of post traumatic stress response. These are times when I can make a specific point of recognizing the return of the depressive thinking, which then allows me to make a conscious choice of disallowing that train to continue. I can say, “No.” I can reset my focus entirely.

What is most significant to note about all this is that the first little respite out of a depressive episode is not the final solution. In a way, the work is just beginning. It sets the stage for the real work to come. Luckily, the real work comes with the benefit of that bit of hope returning. If a person is aware that depressive thoughts might quickly pop back in for a visit, it isn’t such a devastating incident when it happens. It can be recognized for what it is, and dealt with in a healthy way. It becomes a chance to make a constructive step down a more healthy path toward a more ‘happy-ever-after.”